collaborations > Where do Babies Come From? (6)
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mate acquisition:
Naturally you will want to choose carefully in this first step. The perfect person is
out there waiting for you, with a strong genetic code and a loving and unscarred psyche. Your marriage will be successful and happy. After searching long and
hard you will realize this is yet another one of the white man's lies.
Get drunk and advance to the second step. -
intercourse:
take the things your mother told you never to touch
and awkwardly jam them together like unlikely housemates in a late
eighties sit-com. REMEMBER! you are having sex with every person
your partner has ever had sex with, so bagging just one uninhibited
exhibitionist with daddy issues can really up your numbers. -
first trimester:
the uterus bearing parent may find
themselves vomiting frequently, while putting on
weight. The initial assumption may be an unsuccessful
eating disorder, but no! It is the miracle of life.
Miracle side effects range from incontinence to
narcolepsy. At the end of this period your fetus will
weigh half an ounce. Though your dealer will tell you
it's worth at least $140, you'll know its priceless. -
second trimester:
the gestational parent will swell up like a hippo and experience severe back pains, stretch marks, and loss of bladder control. At this stage, the fetus has developed enough to test it for birth defects like Trisomy 18, charactarized by malformations in the head, jaw, heart, kidneys, hands and feet accompanied by severe mental retardation. Additionally, the window of opportunity to legally abort the child ends during this trimester.
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third trimester:
You are now akin to a coffee maker.
When your nipples secrete a nourishing thick yellow
fluid, and your bladder or colon misfire, remember
only 5% of all water breaks on its due date. So carry
a mop, the perculations are immenent! -
the miracle of birth:
probably the most amazing of all creative occourances,
through which the creation can concievably surpass the creator
in depth and complexity.
And it's squirty.